Right now, you’re ranked fifty in the bad*ss leaderboards, which puts you behind my grandma but ahead of a guy she gummed to death. IT TOOK SEVERAL HOURS.
EXPLOSIONS! Mister Torgue High-Five Flexington is the 43-year-old founder of Torgue, a weapon manufacturer. He became passionate about explosions after his parents were killed in one and began creating designs for weapons. Later, he sold his company to a board of executives for $12 and a high-five.
Hey, don’t be shy now! C’mon! Catch a Riiiiiiiiiiide!
The man named after his sister. Scooter! Son of Mad Moxxi herself. Scooter is one of my favorite Borderlands NPCs for a bunch of reasons, but the most important one is the way he says Catch-a-Riiiiiiiiiiide!
Tiny Tina, aka the World’s Deadliest 13 Year Old has some of my favorite quotes in the entire Borderlands series. Just to give a few examples:
“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Do you know who just arrived in Beatdown? SULLY THE STABBER! He’s my THIRD favorite mass-murderer in the ENTIRE WORLD! You HAVE to go get his autograph for me.”
“Wait a minute. Those cookies weren’t chocolate chip. Those…are…raisins. WHYYYYYY-HY-HYYYYY?! SHAWTY, DESTROY ALL THE FOOD DISPENSERS! WIPE THE RAISIN ABOMINATIONS OFF THE MAP! I JUST WANTED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?”
“Runnin’, runnin’, runnin’, I’m runnin’ over here, run, run, run-run, run.”
“Sup, sucka? It’s Tina. I wrote you a poem and it goes a little somethin’ like this BREAK IT DOWN. Ahem. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack kill Jack kill Jack KIIIILL JAAAAACK! Kill Jack. A poem by Tiny Tina.”
Speaking of Jack, let’s give this handsome man the screentime he deserves. This guy is the main baddie of Borderlands 2 and he has my ABSOLUTE favorite monologue of the game.
So, how’s your day been, buddy? We haven’t really talked much since I left you for dead. Hey, you think you’ll freeze to death out there? Nah, probably not. The bandits’ll get you first. My day? It’s been pretty good. I just bought a pony made of diamonds, because I’m rich. So, you know. That’s cool. Kay, bye.
I’m racking my brain trying to think of a name for that diamond pony I bought. I was gonna call it “piss-for-brains” in honor of you, but that just feels immature. Maybe… “Butt Stallion”? Nah, that’s even worse. I’ll give it some more thought.
I should clarify — the diamond horse I’ve been telling you about? It’s not a sculpture, or anything. It’s a living horse that actually happens to be made of — actually, I’ll just go get her. Butt Stallion! Say hello. *Butt Stallion whinnies*
Also, I think it’s worth noting, Butt Stallion is actually seen in-game later.
This NPC has got to be one of my all-time favorites in the series. He registers as a hostile target, BUT he won’t agro even if you attack him. All this guy does is walk toward you and slow clap while sarcastically saying –
Yeah. GREAT job. We’re all sooooo proud that you managed to kill off our friends and brothers. You’re just sooo cool. This is totally not sarcasm.